Ted Fletcher woke down, upside down. Or, when he cleared to grit from his eyes, it could have been that he was the right way up, but the room was upside down.

—I know, I’ll phone the Ministry, he muttered to himself.

He got down out of bed, stood up, opened his wardrobe and all the clothes fell out. Because they were hanging downside up.

—Bugger, he said.

Next, he picked up his phone, that was down on his bedside table. Scrolled for the number of the Ministry. And found it.

Ministry for Altered Dimensions - M.A.D.

He dialled.

—Hello? This is M.A.D, Professor P speaking.

—Hello, Professor P, I wonder if you can help me? I woke up to find everything upside down.

—Are you upside down now?

—I don’t think so…

—Look out of the window.

Ted walked to the window. It took a while, it was a long way away. He looked out. All good. Apart from a pigeon flying upside down.

—Normal. Apart from an upside pigeon.

—Was it Eric? We keep telling him not to do that.

—Er, he didn’t say.

—Okay, please do a hand-stand.

—I’m not a gymnast.

—Thursdays.

—Pardon?

—Please call back on a Thursday. We deal with downside up folk on those days only.

—Er, okay. How come you can’t help me today?

—Because my hat told me I can’t.

—Your hat?

—Yes. It’s a wise hat.

Ted stared into space for a moment. And remembered it was cheese night at the club on Wednesdays.

—Right, so what am I supposed to do then?

—Our best practice advice is to spin around three times, clockwise.

—Right. And if that doesn’t work?

—Try it anti-clockwise.

—And that’s official Ministry advice is it?

—Yes. Passed through parliament in 1984.

—Ha. Reminds me of the George Orwell novel.

—No farms or animals were used in the formation of the policy.

—I meant 1984, not Animal Farm.

—Ah, it’s 2026 sir, I believe you need to speak with the Department for After Yesterday.

—DAY? Who are they?

—The department for people confused by dates.

—But I’m not, I’m confused as to why I woke to find myself upside down.

—But you’re not now?

—I’m not sure.

—Good. Thank you for your call today.

The Professor hung up. Ted stood up. And banged his head on the floor.

—Waste of time phoning them, he muttered.

Outside, Eric the pigeon cooed his agreement.